The Mother of All Excuses

The Mother of All Excuses

Sebastian Junger has a lot to answer for in my book (pun intended). His first offence, of course, is that his book The Perfect Storm spawned one of the stupidest movies of all time. I mean, come on, 129 minutes of four guys on a boat, with all the water in the world raining down on them and dialogue basically reduced to a nautical adaptation of a Bugs Bunny cartoon: Which way do we go, George? Which way do we go?

And worst of all, the big mother 100-foot wave doesn’t even appear until the 126th minute of the film when we’re all back to normal. Hey, the guys who made The Fugitive knew that the big mother 100-foot train wreck had to happen in the first 10 minutes or it was gonna be wasted.

But what really cheeses me off about Mr Junger is that he gave the IT industry the catchphrase “the perfect storm” — you know, the one that goes: “IT has been caught in the perfect storm of Y2K, GST and the dotcom meltdown (although the rookie 9-11 is getting lots of play).

Frankly I think I’m gonna have to start carrying around my spare set of Qantas earplugs.

It’s time to set the record straight. Hello everybody. It’s 2003 — Y2K happened three years ago. Get over it. The GST had nothing to do with IT in the first place, so live with it, or get rid of little Johnny. And face it, dotcom mania never happened in Oz. We never had a Boo, a or anything even near the rampant delusions of a bunch of pimply-faced 14-year-old entrepreneurs that swept the US. The venture capitalists and IPO crowd here were just getting around to turning off the snooze button when the big mother 100-foot wave struck the so-called new economy.

So all you IT vendors, stop it. Stop it right now, or I’m going to send you to your room and make you watch George Clooney’s latest movie Solaris and Mark Wahlberg’s Planet of the Apes until you scream for mercy. (If I’m in a particularly cranky mood, it may be a Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch album.) The perfect storm never happened here. Okay, maybe we had a storm in a teacup, a tempest in a teapot, but we never had The Perfect Storm. You can’t use it as the reason why nobody’s buying much of anything these days.

So why is this bugging me so much? Well, it’d bug you too if you heard it all the time, but that’s not the real reason. I know for sure that pretty soon I’m gonna start hearing another reason why nobody’s spending, no how, no where and no way.

Son of the Perfect Desert Storm: coming to a television set near you soon.

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