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He Dialled with a Felafel in His Hand

He Dialled with a Felafel in His Hand

Where the hell is John Birmingham when you need him? Isn’t this the guy who’s supposed to be the stoners’ Samuel Johnson what with He Died with a Felafel in His Hand and last year’s Dopeland chronicle of happy daze goings-on in Nimbin’s green fields and the hallways of Mahogany Row?

Since John is probably busy with a new book and the kids and all that, I think it was our loss that he wasn’t around a few weeks ago to tell this tale. I’m sure JB would have intuited that there must have been one bodacious party — with some serious herb going down.

So with acknowledgement and apologies to Mr Birmingham, here’s my make-believe account about a pretend board of directors’ meeting at an imaginary, mostly-government-owned telco, which I’ll call Dial-Tones ‘R’ Us.

Let’s set the stage here: It’s an evening in February. The telco’s directors and CEO are hanging out and they’re a bit down. They took a drubbing at the company’s recent shareholder meeting. Revenues are down at old Dial-Tones ‘R’ Us, with profits gleaned mostly through cost-cutting measures. Let’s face it, a drink doesn’t sound half-bad. But after all the holiday wining and dining, most of them are having a booze-free month . . .

Director 1: “Boy, this was not the month to give up drinking.”

Director 2: “Hey, you know my kid borrowed the Range Rover over the weekend and left an ashtray full of roaches. I could go get them. Anyone know how to make a bong?”

Forty-five minutes later . . .

Director 2: “Dude, the idea that the universe is just an atom inside another atom inside another atom is just so cool.”

Director 4 (rummaging through a bunch of video tapes): “Hey, let’s watch 2001: A Space Odyssey. No wait, here’s Fantasia.”

Director 1: “Hey — Fantasia! Let’s buy Disney!”

Directors 2, 3 and 4: “No way. Disney could never be in play!”

Director 5: “You guys have done this before?”

CEO: “Sure. It’s when we get some of our best ideas. I’m getting the munchies. Let’s go buy some Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream.”

Director 2: “Uh, we don’t have Ben and Jerry’s in Australia.”

CEO: “OK, then let’s buy a newspaper.”

Director 2: “Just go to reception and grab one.”

CEO: “No, not a newspaper, the whole enchilada.”

Director 1: “Cool.”

Director 6: “Wait a minute. Doesn’t that mean that the government will own most of the newspapers in the country?”

CEO: “Well, yeah. Here have another hit.”

Director 3: “And won’t it mean that the government will also own major newspapers in another country?”

CEO: “Well, yeah. Here have another hit.”

Director 5: “Not me. I’m going for a leak.”

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