5. Don't give a presentation. Talk as little as possible. Ask your employer a lot of questions so you can find out her position, issues, concerns, needs and objectives. In a presentation, you would be trying to impress and you would be making assumptions about what you think your respected opponent wants to hear. How do you know what she wants to hear? You don't. That's why, if you're going to stay focused on facts and sound decision making, you need to ask her a lot of questions. Her answers will build a vision of what she wants. Then you can tailor your response to fill her needs and she will eventually see that you can help her achieve that vision.

6. Don't ask yes/no questions. Get your employer to spill the beans by beginning all of your questions with an interrogative — who, what, when, where, how or why. For example, ask your boss where she sees your position going in the future. How would she like to see your department develop? What are some of the biggest challenges she anticipates in terms of talent development? Her answers to these questions will help you tailor your argument for a raise.

7. Don't try to close the deal. Don't think about, hope for or plan on getting the raise. Focus instead on what you can control: your behaviour during the negotiation. If you are focused on getting your employer to say yes to your raise, then you're not focused on what she's saying to you in the moment. If your heart is beating fast because you feel things aren't going your way — or the opposite, you're starting to get excited because she seems to be coming around — you will wear your emotions on your face. Your boss will start to feel your neediness, and like a predator that sees a crippled antelope at the edge of the herd, she will come in for the kill because she knows you really, really want this. Trying to close the deal can kill your chances of not only getting a raise but perhaps of getting a really stupendous one.

8. Don't believe that your mission is to get more money. Your mission and purpose in this conversation is to fulfil your employer's business needs and objectives. Every decision you make in the negotiation process should be focused on helping your employer see that giving you a raise or promotion will further her business interests. For example, if you have found out through your research and in the course of your conversation with your boss that she is concerned about the management challenges related to outsourcing, you can explain how your expertise in the areas of, say, knowledge sharing or running IT as a separate business within a business will help her with those challenges. Suddenly you become the solution to her problems, and she sees you as being on the same page with her, addressing the same problems.