Let me be very clear here: The no principle is not about intransigence. On the contrary, it's about openness and honesty. The invitation to say no tells your boss that you're an adult and you're capable of talking rationally with her. No allows everyone involved to put away the need to be right, to be the smartest, strongest and toughest. It prevents you from making weak, and worse — bad — decisions because of your need to feel safe and secure and liked by the other side. No says to everyone at the table, "Let's bury any rush to judgment born of the getting-to-yes mentality." No says, "Relax, I'm not trying to fleece you, and you're not about to fleece me."

2. Don't be emotional. Turn your mind into a blank slate. Quash your expectations, hopes or fears. Above all, overcome all neediness, the number-one deal-killer. Not needing this raise or promotion gives you power. Successful negotiation of any sort requires that you understand this fact and use it. Your overriding task as a negotiator is to replace compromise- and fear-based negotiating with decision-based negotiating. You must learn to progress from raw, unexamined emotions, which never produce good agreements, to the careful decisions that eventually do. If you can learn to keep your mind clear of any emotions and instead concentrate fully on what your boss is saying, how she is saying it, what you are asking and how you are asking it, you will be way ahead of the game.

3. Don't go into the meeting unprepared. Research what people in your position get paid. Check out job and career sites that list salary information, such as Salary.com, which gives you a range of salaries in your field and zip code for free. Visit association or industry websites for salary surveys. Search for trade publications, which often run their own salary information. Or just type "salary information" and "salary guides" into a search engine.

Next, do some research about your own company to see if you can identify possible obstacles that may stand in your way. Obstacles may include a recent layoff or any kind of cost-cutting measure. If you do identify barriers, let your boss know that you are aware of these challenges and ask her how you might play a role in solving some of the problems.

4. Don't try to impress your boss. Never dress to impress, brag or be pretentious. Let your boss feel completely at ease with you — perhaps even a bit superior. I call this The Columbo Effect. The technique of disarming one's opponent worked for the TV detective because people in negotiations tend to make quick assumptions about the people with whom they're dealing. They let their emotions (for example, their arrogance) get in the way, which puts them at a disadvantage and gives you the edge. Also, if you are trying to impress your boss, then your own emotions (such as neediness, fear) are getting in the way, and you will not be focusing on your language and behaviour — the things you can control in the meeting.