I researched Internet connections looking for a cost-effective broadband connection with wireless hub that could travel with me as I moved around the global village. The online information didn't provide a definitive solution, so on arrival I headed to the local Orange outlet (the Internet brand of France Telecom). The saga of Internet connection would take the remainder of this magazine to detail fully, so here's a summary of my travails.

• Monday morning — Arrive at the Orange shop. They don't open until 2.30pm Mondays.

• Monday afternoon — I returned, as had a dozen other people. Stood in the queue till closing.

• Tuesday morning — Discovered all standard broadband plans are 12-month contracts, and fixed to a single address. I investigated other options: 3G mobile card for the laptop (expensive plus requires a French SIM with a 12 month plan); monthly wireless plan (Euro 45 cancellation hit every time I moved); wireless access point (available only at the other end of the village); unlimited hours dial-up (requires a local phone account to bill to); self-install Internet CD (installs but accepts only French credit cards for billing).

• Tuesday afternoon — Defeated, I used an Internet cafe to check e-mails, buying half an hour of time. The French "AZERTY" keyboard has keys such as w, m, a and full stop in a different location, so touch-typing the Web site www.cio.com.au generated zzz:cio:co,:qu. Sending an e-mail required a two minute hunt for the @ symbol, (AltGR and 0). Bought another half hour.

• Wednesday — public holiday.

• Thursday — Bought unlimited dial-up using the phone number of the house I was currently in, arranging to reimburse the owners. I get booked in for installation.

• Week 2 Tuesday — Installation involved the phone number, userID and password being entered into the dial-up window, pressing Dial and charging me Euro 15. The dial-up is a pay-per-hour plan.

• Wednesday — Re-requested an unlimited hours plan. Change of plan takes a week. The dial-up number changes, which I said I'd install.

• Week 3 Wednesday — tried the new number. Nothing. Another phone call for the different userID (yes, of course it changes too). I spent the rest of the night doing overdue large downloads: virus updates, Windows updates and videos from friends.

• Thursday — Bought a phone card as Internet phone calls are impractical with dial-up.

• Week Five — discover my Internet is unlimited, but French local phone calls are timed, costing Euro 1 per hour. The end of all night downloads.

• One month later — the bill, apparently not charged to a telephone account, is e-mailed and can be paid with the same credit card Orange rejected earlier.

Going Globo

Some things work well. The common use of the Euro made travel to Ireland, Germany and Finland simple. We should adopt a single worldwide currency — the Globo. Not only is it more convenient, it would deprive banks and credit card companies their 3.5 percent surcharge on exchange rates, so two good reasons.

Ireland, one of the main IT regions in Europe, is expensive as the Aer Lingus magazine alerted me to in their article "Ireland's not as expensive as you think", meaning it's more expensive that you think, but please visit anyway. Having not packed a UK power adapter, I ran down the batteries on everything, draining the power grid at Charles de Gaulle airport by recharging as soon as I landed.

Two months into my study, I can report that the global village does exist, but is still surrounded by walls to repel foreign invaders. While these walls are surmountable, my initial conclusion is that it's easier to live in the global village if you're a local.

Bruce Kirkham is a veteran IT satirist and professional speaker ­specializing in leading edge technologies and scepticism, who views the IT industry not so much as "dot com" as "dot comedy"