Critical.
Authoritative.
Strategic.
Subscribe to CIO Magazine »

Real-world functionality for worthless function keys

Everybody's keyboard has them, but who actually knows what these keys do and uses them? It's time for a change. Here are the suggestions of CIO.com's Tom Wailgum.

How many people actually use their function keys-you know, those little buttons on your keyboard that go from F1 to F12? We're guessing not many.

So here are some suggestions for functionalities that people would actually use:

F1: Blocks the Wi-Fi signal that Mr.-Sit-at-the-Best-Seat-at-Starbucks-for-Nine-Hours is using, forcing him to shut down and vacate the premises.

F2: Sends a nasty e-mail to Microsoft execs' personal e-mail box relaying that a Windows bug is about to crash your system and you really appreciate the inconvenience-again (this could work for any vendor, of course).

F3: Deletes embarrassing Facebook photos of you posted by high school classmates.

F4: Brings up an image of Megan Fox in "Transformers."

Read Tom Wailgum's Enterprise Software Unplugged blog for more on the lighter side of IT

F5: Quickly quarantines any guilt-ridden e-mail from your mother and sends automated "Out of Office / Can't Respond for 3 Weeks / Do Not Contact" response.

F6: (See F4) You were just on a website of "questionable" integrity and you might have been infected with spyware-Automatically kills anything on your machine that resembles malware.

F7: (For IT people only) Sends a reply to those less-than-savvy users who send indiscriminate barrages of help-desk e-mails: "Hit restart, genius."

F8: Sets your PC ablaze because it's 8 years old, still running Windows 95 and you just can't take it anymore.

F9: Sends a digital shockwave to the spammer's keyboard who just filled up your inbox with links to purported photos of Megan Fox in "Transformers."

F10: Kills any Apple DRM feature.

F11: Crashes Twitter feed of any of your followers who are still tweeting about Michael Jackson.

F12: For when you're feeling mad at the world, plays five-second burst of Jeff Bezos's freakishly maniacal laugh ( hear it here).

Do you Tweet? Follow me on Twitter @twailgum. Follow everything from CIO.com on Twitter @CIOonline.

Join the CIO Australia group on LinkedIn. The group is open to CIOs, IT Directors, COOs, CTOs and senior IT managers.

More about: Apple, F5, Facebook, Microsoft, Starbucks
References show all

Comments

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Users posting comments agree to the CIO comments policy.
Login or register to link comments to your user profile, or you may also post a comment without being logged in.
Related Whitepapers
Latest Stories
Community Comments
Tags: usability
Latest Blog Posts
Whitepapers
  • Best practices for a Data Warehouse on Oracle Database 11g
    Increasingly companies are recognizing the value of an enterprise data warehouse (EDW). A true EDW provides a single 360-degree view of the business and a powerful platform for a wide spectrum of business intelligence tasks ranging from predictive analysis to near real-time strategic and tactical decision support throughout the organization. Read on.
    Learn more »
  • New Mobility Requires a New Network Strategy
    Computing has gone through several major transitions through the ages, each of which raised the value of the network and dramatically lowered the cost of computing. In the years after its birth in the mainframe era, the computing industry shifted to client/server and then Internet computing. Today, we are beginning yet another major computing revolution: the shift to mobile computing. This revolution already allows us to carry mini computers, called “smartphones,” in our pockets. This shift will drive down the cost of computing even further and drive up the value of the network, forever changing its role in organisations. Read on.
    Learn more »
  • USABILITY AS AN ERP SELECTION CRITERIA
    In this whitepaper, we will discuss how the complexity of a system like ERP can be reduced, and how the huge spectrum of functionality and information that an application encompasses can be made easier to navigate. In short, we will discuss ERP usability, with special attention to allowing you to consider usability as a criterion in your enterprise application selection process.
    Learn more »
All whitepapers
rhs_login_lockGet exclusive access to Invitation only events CIO, reports & analysis.
Recent comments

HP and IDG news, product videos and resources